Pregnancy doesn’t always come easy to everyone, and if you are in that boat trying desperately to conceive, know I feel you. My history trying to conceive is a tale not frequently told, but lucky for you, I’m here to speak my truth. I got married in 2013 to my high school sweetheart, we were so young at just 21 and 22. It’s not that we wanted a baby at that time it was that we weren’t going to prevent it from happening, but it never did. I struggled with inconsistent periods that never got diagnosed as anything but being unlucky. I was eventually put on birth control in order to regulate my cycle, it worked but the month I stopped birth control (another post on that later) my periods stopped again. By the time I was 26, I wanted a baby and I was desperate. I was tracking ovulation daily, I had my trusty pee cup right by the sink and everything, but month after month my tests glared negative. At a doctor visit I mentioned I was trying to get pregnant and my OBGYN told me there was no reason I wouldn’t be able to, so my primary care doctor tested my thyroid. Turns out I had hypothyroidism. I was prescribed thyroid medicine to lower my levels and it was working. Fast forward, I’m 28 years old and one morning I take a pregnancy test expecting only one line to populate. I set the test aside and brushed my teeth, I glance over at the test and there are two lines glaring at me and not a faint line, a dark line. I immediately start shaking uncontrollably, I run to my bedroom and wake up my sleeping husband and we are both in disbelief but oh so happy.
I made an appointment with my OBGYN to come in and get these prenatal appointments started, in this time I had googled baby names, started a secret baby pintrest board, signed up for all the baby newsletters and coupons I could find. Excited was an understatement. The day of the doctor appointment I had my bloodwork taken and to my surprise an internal ultrasound. Fear took over my excitement as I was naked from the waist down, my husband holding my hand and a wand shoved up my vagina. Nothing was there. I was immediately told not to worry because it could be too early to see anything. My pessimistic self gathered every ounce of hope I could manage and went on with my day. We made a plan to do another blood draw in three days to see how my HCG levels were rising. A day after my second blood draw, I was at work discussing baby everything with my coworker when I received a phone call from my doctor. My blood work was rising as it should, but they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound, immediately. My stomach sank, deep down I knew something was wrong. I called my husband on the way for him to meet me, he tried to sound encouraging, but he knew too.
I arrived at the doctors and was ushered to the back with my husband waiting in the waiting room. It was like déjà vu, naked from the waist down, a wand probing me and seeing nothing. Tears welled in my eyes as the ultrasound tech became even more invasive searching for my embryo. “There it is” I heard, in the left fallopian tube. I’m hysterical at this point, begging for them to get my husband. When he comes in the room, they explain ectopic pregnancy to him, and I hear that bitch of an ultrasound tech one more time. “Oh look, there’s the heartbeat”. I could have died at that moment, I wanted to, I was numb. I was told I needed to go to the hospital immediately for emergency surgery. I lost my baby and my left tube all in one day. The depression that ensued was unimaginable, I was in so much pain but not from surgery but from my loss. I wanted that baby more than anything and it was just stripped away from me. I only got to celebrate my pregnancy for one week. My family found out I was pregnant because my husband was making phone calls from my hospital room, it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’m now 30 and just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was able to get pregnant naturally with one tube, hypothyroidism and PCOS. So, to those of you struggling I know how it feels for someone to tell you to have hope when there’s none left. I know how it feels when you see pregnancy announcements on social media. I can’t say it gets better because for me it didn’t. I didn’t feel at ease until my daughter was born and actually in my arms and even now, she’s two months old and my anxiety rages. I will say just hang on; it might not get better but one day it will be worth it.