The year after my loss was a wild one. Within two months I lost my mom to cancer and my puppy to kidney failure. I sunk lower into my never-ending spiral. I was still working and going to school full-time, but I was also not taking care of myself. I made excuses for my after-work wine nights; I was stressed about school, life, or work. I was still desperately wanting to get pregnant, but it still wasn’t happening. The hope I had for one day starting a family was even lower. My chances of conceiving with PCOS, hypothyroidism, and one tube were slim. I remember standing in the shower one morning thinking to myself about ways I could get pregnant, adopting, or even fostering when it just hit me. “Fuck it”. I was done. I didn’t want to try, and I didn’t want to stress anymore. I stopped taking ovulation tests that day, I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to base sex with my husband around some meaningless time of the month that had let me down so many times in the past, I just wanted to enjoy being with him and not make it a chore. I told myself I would take one pregnancy test a week, just to make sure another emergency surgery situation wouldn’t occur.
I started weight watchers in order to gain control of my life again and started kickboxing (If you live in Atlanta I highly recommend Vesta Movement on Ponce!) I started losing weight and stopped my nightly wine nights. I was actually feeling good and back to my old self. Two months and twenty pounds later, I was getting ready for work and decided to take my weekly pregnancy test. I watched the pee move across the stick and I watched the control line blare pink, but I also saw a very faint line in the test window. It was so faint, you could almost miss it. My heart pounded. Just like last time, I woke up my husband but this time asking him if he sees this line. He confirmed he could see it, but also deemed it too faint to be legit. It was there again, hope. I went out that night and bought about eight pregnancy tests, they all came back positive. The next day I called my doctor and got an appointment immediately.
When I pulled into the parking lot of my OBGYN my nerves got the best of me, I wanted to get in my car and drive away, but I mustered all the courage I could and stayed. When they called me to the back, they had me take a pregnancy test, it was a faint line with them too. They took my blood and took me to the ultrasound tech. The same ultrasound tech who told me to look at my doomed baby’s heartbeat. It was at this point I was sweating and crying, I’m sure they all thought I was insane. She inserted the wand and there was nothing. I started sobbing, I couldn’t breathe. I just knew it was happening again. They tried to encourage me and tell me it could be early, but I was also told it could be a missed miscarriage. They scheduled more blood work and another ultrasound for two weeks. It was the slowest moving two weeks of my life. I googled everything regarding pregnancy in that time, the good and bad. The good news was my bloodwork showed my HGC rising as it should, the bad news is, it did the same with my ectopic.
The day had finally come, and it was time to see our fate. My husband and I sat in the waiting room of my OBGYN and I was shaking uncontrollably, it was almost embarrassing. They called me back and we both got up and went straight into the ultrasound room. Oh, the feelings I had going in there once again. This time was different, this time there was something there, this time I saw a little heartbeat flickering away, this time it was tears of joy. I was measured at 6 weeks and 4 days. We spent the rest of the day in pure bliss.
The next day I’m still on cloud nine, but on cloud nine at my day job. I’m in retail banking and I’m helping a client. We are sitting in my office when I feel it. It felt like I started my period. My stomach falls into a pit of nothingness. I excuse myself and run/walk to the bathroom. I pull my pants down and see it. Bright red blood is everywhere. I sit on the toilet, pee, and stand up. The entire toilet bowl is bright red and there are clots. How could this be happening to me? All I ever wanted was my own little family and here we are again getting it taken away. I literally left that client sitting in my office, went to my manager told her what was happening and left. I immediately call my husband and then my OBGYN. I was told that based off the ultrasound the day before, it was a healthy pregnancy and that I was at natures will. It wouldn’t do me any good to go to the hospital because I was still so early, and miscarriages happen. They told me if I continue to bleed like I did to call them back. I went home and put myself on bed rest for three days until the bleeding stopped. I still had hope.
Weeks went by of not knowing if my pregnancy was viable or not, my next doctors’ appointment was for genetic testing. This was an optional test I chose to take; it also determines the gender. I was 10 weeks and 4 days at this appointment. In order for the test to be valid there needs to be enough fetal DNA. My thought process was if this test comes out valid I’ll know I didn’t miscarry, and my tests were valid! We found out two weeks later we were having a healthy little girl. She passed every test thrown her way; she was truly meant to be. Every day I wished for a healthy, strong-willed, independent little girl and she is 100% that plus super feisty. All that pain we had gone through, all the depression, all the anxiety finally became worth it.